July, 2008

 FUCK OFF NOSEY! this isn't your shit, so get out of it. July, 2008 July 8, 2008 I tripped really hard on the 4th. I blacked out. I thought my cats were fleas. I peed on Atlas and didn't know about it for 4 hours. I seriously considered killing myself. I learned a lot, and I feel better for it. I am going to stop shooting up completely. I have no reason for it. I am not really that addicted. I am just going to feel a little icky for a few days. It's mostly will power anyway. I don't need it, and I know that. All it does is take my money and make me more paranoid than I already am. Who needs that? Nobody I tell you. My mom is going to buy me a bus ticket up to Colorado for mid-August so that I can come home and get myself together for a few days. She knows I need to come home for a minute, get comfortable with myself again. I love her so much. She is perceptive, and I am so thankful that she can feel how much I miss her and Colorado. All I can think about is how much I want to come home for even a little while. I miss her and Kendra and Samantha so much. It's nearly unbearable. Work has been going all right. I really don't like it all of the time. It gets boring real quick. I am going to try and find some other job during the week waiting tables or something. That way I can keep my top on. I don't really completely enjoy rubbing my tit's in strange men's faces all of the time. I don't entirely enjoy being a sex object. Donna and I have become good friends as of late. She is a very good friend I think. I love her because I can tell her exactly what is composed of my life and she will not think any less of me. We went swimming together on the 5th. We had goat cheese, matzos and cherries. It was great fun. I took pictures of her for her new beau. He lives in San Francisco at the moment, (he is in the military, apparently he is in charge of a lot of the men, he does air-traffic control). She really loves him. I hope he treats her better than all of her ex's have. She deserves so much better than she has been given. Atlas's agoraphobia is starting to become very irritating to me. I don't like not being able to go and do things with him as a couple. He never takes me out or surprises me, there isn't very much romance in our relationship. He has never bought me flowers and chocolate. I don't know why that bother's me, but it does. I yearn for a little flirtation occasionally. Not just the serious bullshit we are always dealing with. It's 2:17 am. Last night I stayed up until 6:30 am. Way too late. I have been keeping bad hours lately. I prefer to be awake during the day time... but sometimes that's impossible. Especially when you work the hours I do. I haven't been puking anymore, and I've been eating a lot. It feels good to becoming healthy again. I like being in good health. I think I am gaining weight again. Which is also good. On that note, I need to take my birth control. I forgot to take it yesterday. Oops. Can't be doing that. I don't have a phone of my own right now...again. I hate that. I am going to go get internet and a phone plan at Cricket. It will be like $65/month. It's a great deal, and it's unlimited. Unlimited talk, text, multimedia messaging, everything. I am so glad that this company came to Oklahoma. They have it in Canon City too. Their coverage isn't like AT&T's or anything like that, but still, it's a phone that's cheap and that is the most important part, having a phone that I can finally afford. I find that I am feeling like my life is bounding out of my control. I can't save money. I am all alone it feels. But I will survive. I know it. I will stop the smack and I will get it back together. I only do it twice a day, and I only do $5 worth at a time anyway. All I'll have is a headache, and extra anxiety. That won't kill me. Not at all. My dad is really mean to me. He doesn't think that I am responsible enough. Although I pay rent, buy all of the groceries in the house,(Atlas seems incapable of buying food, I don't get it), I go to work, and I am only 18. He is angry at me for not working for him. For not letting him abuse me. How does that make me irresponsible? He is the one that broke into my house and cussed me out for not going to work when I was clearly ill, he's the one that has repeatedly harassed and threatened Atlas's life. He is the one that has a very obvious problem with alcohol. It hurts me to think that my own father won't try to help me do better in life because he can't get over himself. It really hurts to think that throughout the rest of his life, I will never know what it is to have a dad that want's to help you. All I have asked of him is to give me the airstream that he hasn't used or even tried to improve in seven years. I want a daddy that can love me and not just use me against his wives and for his business. All I am to him is another commodity. Atlas woke up for a minute, apparently my typing irritate's him. His brain injury is why he can even tell that I am typing. I would think he wouldn't be able to hear my typing through his own snoring, but alas I am not as lucky. The day's and night's of late have been very stressful, I dislike it. My house is absolutely filthy. It hasn't been cleaned in weeks, perhaps a month. There is a ton of dirty laundry in our bedroom, and a ton of dirty dishes in the kitchen. The counter's are sticky, the floor is messy. But he won't help me clean, so why bother? All he does is cause more mess for me to have to clean. Atlas has this habit where he pees into to containers, I.e., plastic liter's, bottles, etc. And then he leaves them in the bedroom laying about for days. I counted it all up, I found 8 liter's of his urine in our bedroom. He won't go downstairs even to pee. He needs therapy. I don't like having to be his mommy all of the time. It's not my job to clean up his urine after him. In fact I have very openly refused. It is a disgusting, and vile habit of his, that I don't know how to break. I need a whip for him so that he will be more productive. He tells me that I am lazy, I am the only one in this house who has managed to have a job at all times the ENTIRE time I have been here. I am more responsible than he. I deserve more respect than I am given. I have given him thousands of dollars. I don't owe anybody anything right now. Only Yvonne this months rent. That is all. The world is against me, and I against it. I am stronger than this, I am going to get it together, and I have been. I have my permit to drive, I just need to take the test, and tomorrow I am going to the library to pick up the Federal Aid forms I need for school. I am going to start going to Oklahoma University by 2009. No but's, and's, or if's. Just period. I can't wait to start school again. It is so exciting. I hope I get in. It will be so cool to be learning and making friends again. I love learning, and I love school when geared at really learning. It will be such a big change in my life, school. I love just day dreaming about what it will be like. I think I am going to go into Psychology. That is what I am good at. I am good with people and knowing about how they tick, and there is always more to know about a person or people's. Well I guess I am supposed to go to sleep now. I really don't want to. I would rather type all night. And explain every little thing that is going on In my life. I could do that for hours. I love writing. I love expressing myself freely to a being that is unbiased and non-prejudiced. Someone who will never respond to me, tell me I am stupid, laugh at me, tell me I am rash, or try to lay claim to my thoughts and possessions. Atlas always wants to own what I have. I don't think that is fair. He doesn't own me or any of my things. He has become so much more controlling lately than he ever has been. I don't like it. It makes me nervous. Like at work, thoughs men want to control me too. I don't like being controlled. Nobody owns me. I am a free woman. Why do they act like they own me? Just because I love them, or they can give me money to get a lapdance, or just see my tit's. It's ridiculous. Someday everything will be okay. I don't have to live a rough life anymore. I know what not to do. I can be comfortable. I don't have to struggle nearly as much as I did. Life is rough, I have learned that. And it always will be. We all know this, except for few that have it easy, and thoughs people suck. Like Donna's ex-friend Della. She has a house paid in full, she has a nice car, she doesn't have to work, everything of hers is paid for by mummy or daddy. But she still tries to make it out like her life is some terribly difficult thing. All she does is create drama, fuck every man that walks, and drink. She is a complete alcoholic. I don't like alcoholic's. I don't like addicts. I don't want to be one either. I don't have to be. It is my choice. And I am making it not to be. When I was tripping I had to poo, and I did a lot of pooing. I remember the things I said while I was on the toilet, here, listen.... “Mother Isis calls out for her unborn child down the corridor towards some well known fate.” “World, all that it is that you do, all effort that you make, all food that you enjoy, all of the life that you take, waste, and whither away. Watch I, as I defecate, the pain, the agony, the guilt of all years gone by. Tell me, as a mad woman, why do I act thus? Because of you and the atrocities you allow. Because of the terrors you feed. The war that you breed. Peace time is only a door towards wartime, sex is only followed by over population. Ignorance is only followed by turmoil and hatred. I take in all and digest, so that the maggots may clean the mess that you have made. For without maggots and flies to make them, the world would always smell of the rotten stench that you create.” My trip was odd. I blacked out for 6-7 hours. My vocabulary was reduced to 5 words for some time, “Black, white, coloured. You and me together forever. You, Me. I have to pee.” That was the majority of what I said. I do remember having sex with Atlas. I thought his penis was a mushroom then a pickle. I didn't even realize that it was a penis. I thought the cats were fleas or something and that I was creating them. I thought that I could go back to earlier in the evening when everything was light outside by just connecting myself from the bed to the lamp. I was completely nuts for 7 hours. Thank god Atlas was here to babysit me, or else it would have been very bad. I could have done something that would send me to griffin for a nice long while, or jail, or something. Only destiny knows the alternatives. Okay, now it is 3:47 am. I really should go to sleep. -Mercy July 9, 2008 I had a terrifying dream last night. I don't know exactly what it means to me, but the symbolism is very clear. I dreamt that I was in a school in Oklahoma City, the weather was on television. Gary England was informing us of the 6 F5 tornadoes and F3 tornadoes surrounding the metro, particularly the area in the city I was in. I could see three of the tornadoes plainly through an upstairs window and I was terrified to see that they were clearly headed towards the school, and to where I was. There were no places to go and seek shelter. No underground havens in which to refuge. Atlas and my dad were there, and I was pleading with them to take me with them back to Norman, and inevitably safety. They were about to leave without me. My dad and Atlas were deep in conversation with an older woman from Chicago about architecture in areas of water, I.e. New Orleans, Amsterdam, and Venice. They were standing at a point where we could see buildings that had been taken up by the river and where more than half of all of the structures on this particular street were submerged. Completely air tight so as to not allow the water inside the buildings. I remember distinctly the woman from Chicago mentioning fishing for Crawdads, which made me think she was of creole descent. The television warned us all to aim for cover as the storms were coming in closer. Still My dad and Atlas made no effort to help me find cover and they left in their safe and very mobile vehicles to Norman, leaving me to my fate. It occurred to me in my dream as to how I ended up in this school that I did not attend in Oklahoma City, in the midst of a very catastrophic storm. I recalled that Atlas and my dad wanted me to come up to the city with them to speak to the woman from Chicago. I never wanted to be there in the first place. They had brought me to death's gate and refused to take me home. That was my dream. Before I went to sleep last night Atlas bitched at me about events from last summer. When we went to Bonoroo and to the Gathering in Arkansas. He says that he only left me in Arkansas for a day and that when he showed up and I was scared and all of his drugs were gone and the tent was being slept in by other people that I ruined his life nearly. He left me in the woods with nearly nothing for 7days and nights. He did leave me with pot and hash, and ketamine. I was alone in the woods without anybody familiar around me for a week with a thousand jonesing hippies. I was given Acid and after hearing every single person I came in contact with complain about wanting pot, I shared. I couldn't help it. I was tripping. I wanted to share. I had something nobody else did, that everybody else wanted. How else was I supposed to find somebody to help take care of me? Atlas told me that he would be back in a day. I waited 3 days, and then gave up, he was gone for a week. I was all alone in the woods. I did nothing wrong. I was scared and abandoned. It seems though that all of his problems are my fault though. He forgets that I saved his life as well. Last night he said that he should have left me there. But he couldn't. He got so fucking dope sick that I had to drive us back home, without a drivers license, no windshield wipers, in the rain, and I don't know how to properly drive a standard truck. I also hadn't slept in two days and was re-dosed with acid right before we left. Still, I got us home without killing us. I saved his fucking life. He was shitting himself and puking and fainting the entire time, and with his hep c, without getting the right medical aid, or the drug, would have killed him. But even then, I still am the witch. Even then I still am the root of sin. It's not fair. The people who have witnessed this abuse believe that I am right. So I know I am righted in feeling the way I do. This morning Atlas told me he is going to pawn you again. I don't seem to have a choice, it's either pawn you, or get kicked out for not letting him lay claim on my only valuable possession. He said that if I didn't let him pawn the pc I could go and live out at my dad's and he won't give two shit's about me. That really hurt. Especially for the first thing in the morning that you hear. I won't say anything back. Because he will only deny everything and say that I owe him. For the mushrooms that I gave away on the fourth and traded for acid. For the mistake I made. I am given no mercy. It seems my job to give mercy, and to take all of the bullshit that comes with being nice to anybody. He hasn't bought groceries in months. He hasn't given his mother money. I have given him nearly all of the money that I have earned, except for maybe a few hundred dollars, and grocery money. Everything else goes to his enormous dope habit, and his mom. I haven't even been able to get myself nail polish, or razors, little things that I would like to have sometimes. I am a girl. Well enough bitching. I am just hurt that is all. He just came back with news of internet and a new phone for us. We can get both for $200 and then $75/month. And we also will get a $100 rebate. That should be manageable. I need to come up with the money for that this weekend. So then I can be online again. Yippi! I have been training the pc to recognize my voice. So that when I am being extra lazy I can just dictate to the pc what I want it to say. It's not a bad deal. It's a good way to write stories. Less typing and more imagining the story. Then I can go back and edit what I did. Today has been all right. I am really intent on going to school at some point. It would be so nice to be back in gear. I really want to get some education so that I can have a future. I am intelligent enough for that. I have taken over Tim's old room. It's the south eastern most room in the house on the first floor. I like it best, I am alone and Atlas doesn't bother me while I am down here. It is nice. I like being alone a lot. But I never am anymore. It seems like I always have some type of company. I don't really have my own room is the thing. I just sort of move about to places that are secluded and that I like. I liked this room quite a bit, but I have been kicked out of it a lot. It seems like nobody is going to move in here anytime soon, so it is probably all right if I hang out in here until that time. It can't hurt anybody can it? I am tired. I need to take a bath. I cleaned quite a bit of house today, but I still haven't done dishes, I don't think I have really done dishes in a month or so. It's mostly because Atlas won't help me at all. And now we don't have any dish soap, I have no idea where it all went. We had a whole thing of it just last week. Atlas is mean. I am trying to stay out of his way so that he won't be angry with me. So maybe if I am not around him all of the time he'll be happier with himself. I really don't know what to do. I guess I just suck. I don't like myself very much right now. Now I know I am not the devil, neither am I perfect. I bitch a lot within these pages, but that is because I can't tell anybody else how I feel, because if I do they will try to intervene, and this is my lesson of love to learn. It is hard to do when you are strong headed, my mom told me something important yesterday on the phone. Don't mistake love for abuse. The, “You don't love me if you don't let me hurt you” syndrome. In a way I think that is what is going on between Atlas and I. I need to fix that. It's 11:58 pm now. I should get up and go upstairs and see what it is that Atlas is up too. I think he is asleep. I've been fucking around with the pc and my guitar for a few hours now. I suppose it is time to stop for the night. I just sang and recorded a few songs. That was fun. I guess. Not much to do. I also listened to the music from my Gramma Wanda's wake last year. That was actually a good time for me in a way because I was still around a lot of people at the time. I still hung out with people that I loved instead of always hermiting inside this stinky house. Just, Atlas doesn't like it when I go and hang out with people. He is afraid that I will say bad things or run away. It's like he is my fucking keeper. He seems to need as much control over me as my dad desires. What is it with people and controlling others? I don't seem to need to control anybody else? All I ask is to be able to control myself. Is that so much to ask for? The right to be one's own boss. To be allowed to go places on one's own free time and to be able to experience at least some of what the world has to offer? I never said they can't come with me, in fact I am always inviting Atlas to come and play with me when I go to play. But he never does come and play and he always calls me asking me where I am and when I am coming home and then getting angry at me if I say I will be out for a while and intend on hanging out for a while. He always comes up with something for me to do, something that I somehow owe him and if I don't do it, and come home at his every whim then he threatens my home and safety. He uses my love for him against me. It isn't fair. If I told him all of this, he would just deny it. Someday I will have him read all of this and then maybe he will understand how it is that I do some of the crazy things that I do. I have to be free, so when I find even just a little freedom, I take every inch of it, because I feel like a caged bird. My wings clipped, I feel like everybody around me works at keeping me held down and captured. Injured is how they prefer me to healthy and happy. I am surrounded by evil people. I am going to have to get away from it if it does not change. If I cannot be free. I don't owe anybody more than Yvonne. I admit I owe her rent. But I do not owe my dad, or Atlas. My dad owes me. Atlas and I are always even. He has done terrible atrocious things to me. I don't see how anything that I have done is even pale in comparison. I am trapped because of him. He has taken my freedom from me in so many ways. I owe only Yvonne money. And that is all I owe. I am sorry. I am an injured animal. I really need understanding and unconditional loving. I am not receiving that here. Not at all. -Mercy July 11, 2008 So it has been concluded that Donna stole from us. She lied to me and Atlas straight up. That is really fucked up. I can't believe that she could be so bold as to lie so bluntly. Now she won't even admit to fault when she is obviously at fault, as well as myself. I know what I did wrong, and I will admit to it, but she will not. I know what I did wrong and I will take blame for what I did, but never for what I didn't. You can always trust me that much. I am a very honest human being. I realize that I am a bad liar, so I just don't lie. No matter what, unless my life is in danger. Now sometimes, in order to protect myself from let's say, the police, I won't tell all of the truth, but I won't lie. Lying is bad. That's what they teach you, and life has taught me that as well. Every time I have ever lied it has always come back and nipped me in the butt. Instant karma sucks. I have been laying awake in bed for the past hour thinking about what Donna has done. I feel really hurt, how can she be so two faced after I have confided so many of my secrets in her? Now I know I can't trust her. I wish I had a close friend that I could trust with everything. Atlas, and you oh faithful pc. That's it I guess, and myself. I would trust me with my deepest of secrets. It's 4:23 am. I need to go to sleep. I am hungry again. I don't seem to be able to sleep anymore. I wish I could. Atlas sleeps more than I do now. It sucks. Well, I'll crash one of these days. I think on saturday, I will go and buy myself a sleep aide so that this not sleeping shit doesn't happen anymore. I love Atlas. I forget that sometimes. He is really the only man that has my heart. And always the best one for me. He always has my back. I love him. I've been stupid latley. I need to to fix all of that. I will with time. I am still learning. I just need to learn fast that is all. I need to stop being a kid and hurry on up and be an adult for a minuete. It seems like everybody I know is still a kid and they can fuck off all they want. I can't, and it sucks. I have to be responsible, and I am half the age of all the rest of my friends. I am tired of being the baby. I don't want this rough road any more. I want to be smart and succeed. I don't need to take the abuse from life I see everybody else taking so quietly. - Mercy July 12, 2008 Went to the store today. I finally have some funds. I love the dollar store. You go in, they have nearly everything you need, and it's all at $1+tx, naturally. Still, it's awesome. I bought like $40 worth of shit for $20. I woke up pretty early today because of Atlas. He found me some hydrocodone to get of of the skag with. I haven't done any today so far, and I don't intend on it. I quit. No more needles. Ever. Needles are bad. I have the hydrocodone to get me by with, that should be enough. I can do it for a week, slowly cutting myself down, Then I'll be okay again. I won't ever be dependant on a drug again. I know here in about 24hrs I am going to start getting really quite shitty feeling, but it won't be violent wrenching vomiting, I'll just have a needle jones. I have to fight with will now. I have the tools to keep me from being ill. Then I will be clean when I go and visit my mom in August. Yippi. That's my goal. Because I can't visit my mom if I am going through withdrawal. I know she would help me get better, and I am sure she would still love me, but I still don't want to have to put my mother through having to see her daughter like that. It's not good. I made $146 last night at work. Pretty good deal. I am happy. Tonight I hopefully do better. My goal every night is at least $130, so I can go home with at least $100, my tip out is always around $28, unless I sell a lot of cocktails, which I normally get about two. My cousin Lauren might be moving in with us soon. She got a D.U.I. And a few other misdemeanor charges last night. We tried to take her keys from her, but she wouldn't listen. She was pulled over initially for taking an improper right turn, or some bullshit like. She almost got Controlled Substance charges, she had 30 flexural in an Aleve bottle, but it's neither a class 2 or 3 narcotic. Thank god for that. So because of her D.U.I., her cheating boyfriend is probably going to kick her out, although she pays all of the bills and rent. So then she'll need a place to stay. We have a six bedroom house. She can live in the upstairs on the other side. Have her own bathroom and pay like $400/month, seeing that we will be sharing a tub and kitchen. It would be nice to have the extra cash, and to finally have a female roommate that isn't a junkie whore. Lauren is a good girl, she likes country and rap, works hard, and pays her bills. I just have to remember, she owes me $22. I need that $22. Fucking Valleybrook took all of the money she earned last night though. She made $339, and they took every penny of it. Those fucking pigs. Atlas is asleep, I wish I was, maybe I'll take a bath and go to sleep after. I did get new bath scrub and wash, and a new loofa too. : ) I love spoiling myself sometimes. Can't help it, I have too. -Mercy July 15, 2008 Just got home from work. It's 4:01 am. If I go to sleep now I won't be able to do what I need to do tomorrow. So I guess I am just going to stay up. That will work. I made $70, I have $40 left. It sucks. Tonight was terrible. Sam only made $35. I made all of my money off of two people. I finally got that bath scrub and loofa. I am happy I did...I needed to get myself something for a change. I am tired of always putting my needs after Atlas's. He doesn't do the same for me, not all of the time. It shouldn't hurt to get myself stuff sometimes too. Today I need to go find a new day job, here in Norman, I need to get the Federal Aid forms for school, and sign up for the act. Get an Act study guide from some bookstore. I need to work on that motor. I think that is all. Oh, and go to the store and pickup pads, tampons, underwear, bread, eggs, razors, and toilet paper. Finally call Dell, get the disk drive sent, and call Browne's Driving School and see how much it costs. I am not going to sleep today until I am done with everything I have to do. It is 7:49 am now. I have two hours before Jamba Juice opens and I can go and apply for a job there. I think they are hiring because they have hired like 5 new people in the past week. Maybe they will hire me because I already know all of the drinks, I go there like everyday. Then I will go to Ace Hardware, and see if they are hiring for anybody. Since I am 18 now I can work there. I really need a new job, close to home for during the weekdays, so that I can bring in a little bit of extra cash flow. I could use more money. We all could. It's now time for me to work my ass off all of the time until I get into school. So I can get the 300 SEL Mercedes Benz from my mom. It's a '91 and it only has like 120,000 miles on it. It gets like 35mpg on the highway and 25 in town. It's a great car, and free. All I need to do is take the drivers ed, get my license finally, and get together enough money to pay for my insurance and gas to get her home. Once I have a phone, internet, and car, I will be a very happy girl. I also need to pay Atlas back for the July 4th fiasco, and start giving Yvonne more money. I also need to pay back Bank of America the $175 I owe them and reopen my account, and get my guitar and amp out of pawn. It comes out to $1320 in total, plus $300/month for yvonne. And another $50 for the Act. Once I get my phone and internet it will be $75/month. That is really a great price compared to any other company. I know all of this money talk is probably really boring to have to read, but I need to write it up so that I know exactly what I need to get my life back in gear. I really need to get it together again. This being stranded without a phone, internet, or a car is really getting to irritate me. My last phone that I had under my name was stolen. That shit really pissed me off. They were supposed to bring it back to me, but never did. It sucks. I liked that phone plan I had too, plus it had all of my phone numbers in it. Some I will probably never be able to get again. Like acid connections in Colorado and what not. Work was allright tonight. I only took my top off twice. For the two lap dances I did. I made $50 off of one guy, and then $30 off of another. I am getting better at hustling now. I am really quite proud of myself. I did better than a lot of the other girls, and I never once took my top off on stage, I was clothed nearly the entire time. It seems the older guys really like me. I think it is because I am so cute. I mean, I really am pretty fucking cute. Just, look at me. -Mercy July 18, 2008 Didn't get to work tonight. Fucking sucks. I could have made a ton of money too. I have applied for job after job. I am trying to get this job at Mr. Short Stop currently. It is this convenience store about four blocks from the house. The guy who owns it is currently running for Senate. Ron Henderson. I won't vote for him, I disagree with his politics, but he doesn't need to know that. I just want to work for the guy. I would start at $8.00/hr. That is better than all the other places I could work at in the food business. I will go up to his store in the morning at 7:30-8:00 to see if I can catch him. I managed to get some food for the house. We are currently living off of pb&j and ramen. Still, we survive. Oh and the occasional treat from the dollar store. I fucking love the dollar store, everything for a buck. The food may be a few days expired, the products occasionally damaged and off-brand, but fuck, it's a buck! My only friends at the moment are strippers. I am entirely cut off from anybody else it seems. I don't have any friends in norman besides Tim and Doug, and Doug is in California. I really like Doug, he is a good guy. He never judges me for being myself, and he has never hurt, lied, or stolen from me. I wish I knew more people like that. I feel so alone here. I know I have Atlas, but I don't really have anybody else. He runs off all of my friends. So now I have none. I am too shy now to make more because I know what they say about me behind my back, and if they are going to do that, then they aren't my friends. These people have no lives of their own. All they do is gossip about other people. They are all petty. I need to get out of this slum. When I get into school I will have some sort of opportunity to find an out. A way through this hell. This gigantic golf course, Oklahoma. Golf is a terrible thing to want to do. It's like heroine, or impulse buys at the supermarket line. An obsessive compulsion. Once you get into playing the game you don't seem to want to stop, you'll put your compulsion before your family or responsibilities. You see those folks in the line at the grocery store, staring wantonly at the candies and tabloid magazines. A candy bar and a zine at a total of $3.13 two times a week, adds up to $325.52/year. It gets expensive. That's how they get you. I know this because I am one of these impulsive buyers. It's an addiction. It's a way to forget all of your worries. Lately my habit has been to go into the makeup department and buy a thing of lib-gloss or nail polish. It makes me happy, sort of. It occupies my time. Nirvana and nail polish. Yippi skippi. I am hiding in the bathroom with the pc. I am not allowed to paint my nails in the room because Atlas doesn't like the smell. He took over my comfortable me-space. Now I am forced to move...again, to find a place to be alone. For now I will hide in the bathroom. I guess I will move into the air conditioned room now, so that I can read my book. I am currently reading the ultimate hitchhikers guide. Again. Can never get tired of it, and I didn't actually finish it last time. I am terrible at that. That is finishing books. I get the jist and then I move on. -Mercy July 20, 2008 A wonderful Sunday afternoon. It's hot as hell out side, but so nice and peaceful inside this air-conditioned room. Atlas is asleep. I am very awake. I am just thankful that the tv is off, I still have a bit of money, and that I am not dead at this very moment. And I still have half of a pb&j sandwich left. I am going to work tonight. I need the money. I may end up going to work all week. Yippi fucking skippi. Listening to an array of music. Currently it is the English Beats “Mirror in the Bathroom”. Great fucking song. It's all about doing drugs. Like every other song in the planet. I can't vouch for the Universe because I haven't seen it all... yet. I haven't listened to all of Electric Lady Land since I put it on the pc. So far, only one song is worth it. “Pepper”. I learned a lot about the cephalopod family yesterday. I fucking love Octopi. They are, to me, the most intelligent creatures on the planet. If they had opposable thumbs and vocal chords we would be in fucking trouble, but apparently they don't like how people taste. I feel that the Octopus is too intelligent a creature to just kill to kill. They would probably prefer to eat what they kill. “I don't mind the sun sometimes and images it shows, I can taste you on my lips and smell you in my clothes. Cinnamon and sugary, and softly spoken lies, you never know just how you look in other peoples eyes.” -The Butthole Surfers I thought I would give you a line from the music I'm listening to. Do you like the little headphones? I do.  This is what I look like now. It looks like I have a black eye, but I don't. I haven't had one of those since I was 6. In fact I remember the exact moment and where my first black eye took place. I was playing in the drainage ditch right next to George Park that was a block away from my house here in Norman, (it is now two blocks away from my house), I used to catch Crawdads and swing around on the pipelines that ran over the ditch. I was swinging on the the pipes like some sort of gymnast with my friends, (the neighborhood kids), and I decided to try a pipeline that was higher up, and closer in proximity to the other pipes. Well, like a dumbass I got on the pipe, threw myself forwards with my legs on the pipe and my hands holding down for dear life. I swung up and WHAM right smack into the pipe behind me. I fell off the pipe and was knocked out for about 3 minuets, came to in great pain with a huge welt on my face. Once I saw that I was bleeding I began to cry. Apparently one of the kids went and got my mom, so within two seconds she was there listening to me sob and tell her what happened. She laughed, said, “Poor baby”, and told me not to do that again, “That wasn't the best idea Clarissa.” Thinking about that makes me miss my mom. I've been missing home a lot more lately than usual. I just miss all of my friends and my family. I feel abandoned in so many different ways. Alas, we all are abandoned by all at some point or another, or we are the ones whom do the abandoning. Atlas is awake again. It is now 3:14 pm. I have to be at work in 3½hours. What fun. I think I am going to ride the bike to the store to pick up a few things for work that I need tonight, but it is so hot outside. Maybe I can get Tim to take me to the store before I go to work. A ride would be nice.  Now I am listening to “Death in Vegas”. I like them. Logan Rowe is actually the one who introduced me to them. I am glad he did. That's one thing he did well. Introducing me to new music and such. Now I feel very dehydrated for some reason. I don't like feeling this way. I don't seem to be able to drink enough liquid, water and otherwise. I recently have become accustom to drinking the cherry limeade from the fountain at 7-11. I don't know why I like it so much, but it is really cheap, A dollar for a 32 ounce styrofoam cup. -Mercy July 21, 2008 It is now 2:11 am. I had an interesting day. I mean, it wasn't bad interesting. Except for the fact that Sam (stripper) is off of her medication and has been acting all coo coo crazy. Her mood swings are pretty intense. One moment she is laughing, the other she is crying. I med's keep her stable enough so that she can be able to rationalize between proper and improper behavior. I bought some useless stuff today, like lipgloss, glitter, and fake eyelashes. It will help me make money, and these little things bring me joy. I don't find much joy anymore. I hope to make quite a bit of money tomorrow so that I can buy this printer at the pawn shop. It is controllable through bluetooth and it is brand new. 2 ink cartridges and is vista compatible. It's only $50, for a $130 printer regularly. I really could use it. Plus, you can print off the photos on your phone with it. Had Tim drive me up to work today, but it was closed due to air conditioning problems. I was on the schedule though and nobody called me to inform me that I didn't need to come into work today. I think I am going to talk to Caroline about some form of reimbursement for my wasted time, I'll tell her I took a cab and that it was $80 round trip. First of course I will ask her why I wasn't informed of the change in the first place. They have my phone number and I DID fill out an application with my phone number on it. I feel I should receive reimbursement for my wasted time. Atlas is watching television, and I am fucking around with the nifty ass effects that this word program has to offer. I just realized that this program is great for creating websites, in fact that is what it was designed for. I like it a lot. I am discovering gadgets that I have never seen on Windows Word. I like computers. They make me happy. Stupid Sam let my cat Isis out of our house on Thursday, and Isis still hasn't come back. I am worried that she might be run over somewhere or something. The dumb ass, knowing full well that we have cat's kept leaving our front door open when she was here. Now my personal journal is all decked out, with blinkies and pretty colours. I gave Atlas a long back massage. I suppose if I give him a massage every morning he might actually start working on the house. That would make everybody happier...I think. I really just want everything to be okay again. I am too young for this world. I am too hopeful. I am too energetic. I am too iconoclastic. I alienate everybody I know. I really am a hermit. I keep forgetting my true nature. I want to go out and play, but at the same time I want to stay home and read a book and write for hours on end. I am a fucking oxymoron walking. No fun. -Mercy  July 22, 2008 Worked my ass off. I am tired and incredibly irritable. I don't know why. I want some peace and quiet for a minuet because I just spent 7 hours in a noisy club dealing with noisy people having to dance and move around for them. The second I got home I found Atlas cleaning and acting all tweaky, immediately he began to bitch at me, didn't ask me about how my night was, or give me a kiss. He lied about calling Fancy's back after I called. He's been repeating himself all night, talking about the same thing. I want him to hug me and lay down with me. I can't go to sleep yet though because I have to be at the short stop in two hours to be able to see if I can get a job there. I have been trying to get a hold of Ron Henderson, the owner of the joint for a minuet now. This week I am going to be totally clean, and so will Atlas. That is something good to look forward to. I am glad for that. And I am glad that Atlas is being so hopeful for a change, and I love the fact that he is excited about his plans. But sometimes a girl needs a hug and a tender caress after she just subjected herself to the sort of things I subject myself to on a nightly basis. On thursday, I am going to do some sort of “private show” with these girls from work. I am not quite sure what that means, but I guess I'll find out. I'll $200 in supposedly 45 minuet's. I need the money. Bad. I am going to work all week, and I am trying to find a second job. I need cash flow right now. I hate being this poor all of the time. My life has been difficult as of late. It's going to get better. It's going to take work. I am going to have to be exhausted. I am going to do what it takes to make it through this hell hole. Atlas wants me to type up a fucking business plan for him. I am EXHAUSTED. What part of that does he not understand? God damn. Ares, my baby kitty is so loving to me. She hasn't been feeling very well lately so she has been clinging to me like a newborn does to her momma. She is currently watching the screen intently, as the letters appear upon the screen. It's entertaining. I really need a hug. Why is that so hard to grasp for him? I need a hug. Not just desire one. I replace hugs with heroine. I hate doing that, I am conscious of my fault. Love in my world is hard to come by nowadays. I wish it wasn't so. As the same I wish so many things were other wise as well. I suppose there is no love for me any more. Sounds emo as fuck, but I don't care. I feel all emotional anyway. -Mercy July 23, 2008 Atlas is pissed off because I ran away to my friends house for the night. I am trying to think of different ways to make money. I want to go to work tomorrow and then go home. I haven't done and smack in 24hrs. For the first time in months. I really could use some. My head is throbbing. I can't stop shitting. I feel like I am about to puke up my entire insides. But I am not yet, so I am okay. He is pissed off because I “ditched” him. But I need a night away from him. It's hard right now. I am need a moment where not every thing I say is turned against me. Tomorrow is the day my integrity dies. But that is okay. A life of prostitution in a drug induced daze. Sounds like heaven to me. I spoke to my ole' friend Evan Yost from colorado, he said if I ever need a place to stay for a min, in colorado his door is open. It would be awesome to do some hiking/climbing with the guy, apparently he has gotten into trudging up and down mountains. I love doing that shit. I need to move back to Colorado. It's where I belong. First I need to take my act and get my drivers license, then I am out-a-here. I can't take it anymore. -Mercy

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