October, 2008

 FUCK OFF NOSEY! This Isn't Your Shit So Get Out Of It. October, 2008 October 3, 2008 Well I finally have the pc back. Atlas and I are not together currently, this will change by the end of the month. If he does indeed decide to go to Cali for the international Rainbow Gathering this year. I can't fucking wait, I am so fucking excited to go home. I hope everything ends up being okay in the end. Atlas was dead and in a coma for a min, then I left him to move into the “Universe City”, It is a pretty ridiculous place to live, but it works out for the best in the end. Ah, life, what a beautiful thing. I discovered today that I have Hepatitis C, on the 13th I have to go to the doc to get myself checked out some more to see how advanced my disease is and get started on treatment, I am terrified. At least it is curable. I won't ALWAYS have this disease, but they did have to report me to the CDC. But, I can still have sex and I won't infect anybody. And somehow Atlas doesn't have it. That lucky fucking bastard. I am off of the Heroine now, a whole month needle-free. I have gained weight, I look healthy for a change...it's nice as fuck. I love it. : ) I have been hanging out with this boy named Kevin for a minute now. He is REALLY good in bed, and he likes me a lot. He want's me to have his babies. Oh yeah, on that note, I might also be knocked up too, I need to take a pregnancy test pretty soon. So I can go and get an abortion, I am all about supporting stem cell research. HELL'S YEA!!! I like my new residence, it is enjoyable here, nobody is out to get me or anything like that. I am drug free, I am surrounded by artists and people of the like mind as myself. We are really just a bunch of Anarchist's to be completely honest, but most of them won't admit it, too cliché. I am tempted to let my heart loose here. I just spent the past 24 hours Rolling, drinking, dancing, attempting sleep. Then Atlas came to my window to talk to me and bring me this very special piece of equipment I am using currently. It's nice to have it back. We went to breakfast and I ate a days worth of food in 3 minutes. I really have been eating a whole hell of a lot more than usual. And I feel fat. Oh well, life is cool. -Mercy IT'S COOL IT'S COOL, MY MOMMA TOLD ME DON'T BE SCARED, LIFE IS FUCKING AWESOME. -lcd soundsystem October 4, 2008 I just got off of work, and it was a long boring night, until I found new ways to entertain myself. My own personal form of “artistic epilepsy”. It's great. Kevin came and picked me up, he is currently laying down next to me, fast asleep. I think I may be pregnant with his kid. I don't know. These women keep telling me I am knocked up, and I have been showing all of the traditional behaviors and tell-tale signs of pregnancy. But hell, I can be a supporter of Stem Cell Research. Though Kevin really does want a kid of his own, I am too young for that right now. Atlas said that if I am prego with somebody else's child he will take care of it, because he loves me that much. He really does love me, and I him, but damn.... It is all so confusing I don't think I am able to straighten it all out right now. I like feeling free and able to do what I want without having to “check-in” with anybody. I suppose it is nice to have somebody who cares about you and will always be there for you, no-matter what! Nonetheless, independence is something I haven't had in some time, and I am certainly enjoying it, as it were. Well, I am going to smoke a cigarette and go to bed. I only got 3hrs, maybe less, today in shut-eye time. “Yawn!!!!” -Mercy NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU FEEL INFEROIR WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT. -Eleanor Roosevelt October 5, 2008 I was arrested today for “prohibited performance”, I was sitting on somebody's lap, with my shirt off. Yay, that TOTALLY makes me a criminal. My bail was $393, luckily enough, in a bad and good way, Kat was arrested as well like 35 min. later, and the guy she was sitting on bailed us BOTH out. She wanted me to go hang out with him, but I didn't, I really am way too freaked out for that shit. And they were going to be smoking Ice, I don't do well with methamphetamine's either. It was nice when Kevin showed up to get me out, dude had already done it, but still. He was completely prepared to get my happy ass out of jail. Now I have court on the 22nd of October. Fuck Me. The two cops that arrested me wouldn't tell me what I was being arrested for until I was literally inside the Jail cell. As well, they handcuffed me and escorted me out of the club, handcuffed, all the way through to the front of the club. Everybody saw me, and I left with my dignity nonetheless. Still.... When I got inside the building, they took my picture, I gave them a nice pearly one, it IS a picture. Took down my information, put me in the cell. I counted my money, called EVERYBODY I could remember the numbers of, wrote. Had to deal with a very passed out, plump, tramazapaned out red-neck lady, who had REALLY bad gas. And my only conscious company, a black cricket, who was, needless to say, unentertaining. Then Kat showed up, and it was, Oh fuck, You too? Yes, isn't life awesome like that? And the cops didn't understand, our job is really hard if we don't touch them, it's almost impossible to make money if we aren't willing to touch, or be touched. 'Cause those other bitches are hoes, and that is our competition. The whole reason why this shit is happening is because J.T., the owner of our competitor clubs, has been complaining about us to the cops, and probably paying them as well. We are a mere beer bar, but we have more customer's than his liquor bars, not because we are hookers, but because we are more attractive, classier, etc. He wishes to have us shut down. He's a fucker though, everybody who has ever had to work for him, hates him. He has sex with his strippers, and he lets them all get away with way too much shit. I hate it. Life is stupid. -Mercy ...AND THUS I BECAME A MADMAN. -Kahlil Gibran October 7 , 2008 I am back at home, how nice. I talked to Atlas some more today. I think he is stalking me or something. Oh well. Kevin said it wouldn't work out with us, but I think it could, and he should give me a chance to get him back to being interesting again. Being a homebody is NOT his destiny, he could be out doing wonderful things. Brandon is asleep on my bed, while I am listening to Modest Mouse on www.pandora.com and I am having a pretty good night now, despite the Hep C and the whole, “I was arrested this week for sitting on somebody's lap topless” bit. But shit, LIFE HAPPENS, and I am dealing pretty damn well despite the odds. At least that is my opinion. Everybody else that sees me daily seems to agree. My dad keeps coming in here asking me for dollars so he can buy beer, he is so drunk. It is silly. He says he was worried about me this weekend, which I think is nice to know. It's funny to think that I am more responsible than my dad is sometimes, that I have more common sense socially than my own 53 year old father. But he has sense in other ways I don't. I love my dad no matter what. My mother too. I hope they feel the same way about me. I don't know how to communicate really serious issue's with them sometimes, because everytime I have tried they have turned me away as if I was a demon. My dad tried to institutionalize me once, my mom kicked me out of the house when I was 15. Yea, great fun. So reaching out to them for me has always been a pretty fruitless effort. Yet, I survive. Brandon apparently is straight, I thought he was a little gay at least, but everybody wants to fuck him. Just like I get that too. It gets annoying when everybody you know wants to have sex with you. Why? Why can't they just be your friend? Oh well, we desired ones flock together. It is safe when we all understand where we are coming from with our experience with other people. I am going to find food to eat. Maybe I'll get something for the jail bird in my bed. He is so sleepy, poor boy. But life is cruel to us all especially when it comes to where you are going to sleep? Why should a comfortable resting place be so hard to acquire? Isn't it like a basic NEED? This system is fucked. It's now 2.43 pm, and last night I made out with the boy who fell asleep in my bed. It seemed to me that I was really turning him on. He kept telling me that he loved kissing me, he loves my clit, and well,that I was absolutely beautiful. That makes me feel really good. I think he is really good looking too, and he is really smart and we have a lot in common, but I am shy about saying these things. It's weird how I seem to attract the ones everybody else wants. Sorry for being so egotistical, it's just the pattern repeats itself over and over again. As well as people think I am some sort of “heartbreaker”. What is this all about? What kind of person am I growing to be? Evil? Good? Human? Hopefully the latter overrides the rest. -Mercy OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES ARE SO MUCH MORE INTERESTING, 'CUZ THEY AIN'T MINE. -Modest Mouse October 17, 2008 My life has turned into a regular Cirque du Freque. I brought an FBI agent to the house and he hooked up with Vanessa, a girl I committed to Griffin once, who hated me, but now loves me.She needed to get laid. I got the internet turned off because Cox internet found out that I was downloading Indiana Jones (a copyrighted film) to my pc illegally offline. But I have fixed that for the most part. I am glad that the internet is off myself. Now I can focus on writing a little more. I suppose. I had sex with Atlas the other night, he took me out to dinner and we had cheap parking lot sex. It was enthralling I have to admit. I still do love him. I can be myself around him, he adores me. We ARE meant to be. I told Kevin I would be his girlfriend. I am going to break his heart in a week. I have planned on it. I just didn't want to do it quite yet, he can still serve a purpose, and the sex is great. Can't argue that logic. So I suppose I have become an evil person, but nobody seems to have noticed, I can keep a secret well. Nobody knows exactly what I have been up to but me. For the first time in a while, I have been able to do what I want, when I want. Yet I feel completely empty inside. I feel dead in so many ways. I turned my heart off. It's going to take a while to turn back on. I haven't been entirely alone in a while. Even right now Rai is in the room sleeping on my bed. And here at 09:00 I am supposed to be going out to my dads with Doug, but it is 05:51 right now. Then at 17:00 I have to go to work. Damn, life is busy sometimes. I have been thinking too much and not writing enough. I have had so much insanity going on inside of me. It's not right. My mother and my sister Cynarra have been having an argument over my Facebook page online. It's ridiculous, my mother wants me to go to college in Colorado and to move in with her. I don't know what to do, everybody seems to think it's a good idea. But I DON'T WANT TO YET. Is that a good enough reason? Probably not very intelligent on my part, but I don't want to. The other day I took a personality test this Psychologist gave me, (lots of questions), and she concluded that I am an ENTP type personality. I read the profile, and I match it entirely. It is eerie. Oh, I am NOT knocked up. I am so glad of that, but I am out of birth control. So I have to be more careful in bed now. I missed my Doctor's appointment on the 13th, I am almost afraid to treat my disease, I don't want to know when I am going to die. I bought fish, one gold fish named Persephone and one black moor fish named Hades. I, out of all of the residents in this house with animals take care of mine the best I notice. I don't know what that shows of my personality, but I think it is a good thing. Suprisingly enough I am also the youngest, yet I seem to be one of the more responsible ones here. I am honest about most everything, I pay my bills full and on time, and my animals, (Mercury and my two fish), are very happy, clean, and fed creatures. Can I have a cookie now? Too bad nobody will do that for me, notice the great way I treat the animals in my life and perhaps key it to the way the other people here do. Too bad not everybody sees that I am the only one who has ever deep cleaned the kitchen, or even cleans my room regularly. Doesn't that say SOMETHING? Well I need to go to bed. I can't stay up forever now can I? Now it is 17:21, I am going to work in an hour. I didn't go to work with my dad. I I -Mercy WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE IF O'RION IS IN THE HEAVENS OR PAINTED IN THE FIRMAMENT OF THE SOUL? -Ralph Waldo Emmerson